It all began about ten days before Christmas when a Salvation Army Santa Claus was murdered midtown.
A morning newspaper carried the story, but the next day five more Santa Clauses were murdered and it hit the headlines of every paper in the country.
Four of them were killed collecting money for the Salvation Army and the fifth was stabbed in the toy department of Gimbels.
And people were outraged! They were indignant! They thought what a monster, what a ghoul this guy must be, I mean, to spoil the children's Christmas by murdering Santa Claus.
They weren't concerned over the actual lives of the men murdered, it was just what effect it would have on the children that upset everyone.
So the next day the town was filled with city and state police, FBI men, and even some Naval Intelligence officers, Treasury agents, and Department of Justice officials, all of whom found excuses to get in on the case---and ten more Santa Clauses were murdered, and the elusive killer wasn't caught.
So the night all the working Santa Clauses held a secret meeting to decide what to do.
They realized their responsibilities toward the children, but on the other hand it seemed sort of foolish to go out and just get popped off by this maniac. And so one man, who was a brave man, and who had no dependents, volunteered to go out the next day in costume under heavily armed guard.
But his throat was slashed in his bed that night.
And so the next day there were no Santa Clauses in the city.
And people were all sort of irritable and jumpy, and kids were crying, and it just didn't seem like Christmas without the Santa Clauses.
But the next day some daffy Hollywood chick, some actress who wanted some publicity, came out dressed in a Mrs. Santa Claus costume.
| And people and kids flocked around her, being
the nearest thing to Santa Claus on the street, and she got a
lot of publicity, and she wasn't killed. So the next day several more prominent women came out, all dressed up like Mrs. Santa Claus with white powdered hair and red skirts and pillows in their stomachs and Santa Claus hats, and they weren't killed either. They decided maybe this maniac had stopped, so they sent out one Mr. Santa Claus as a test, but within an hour his body was being taken to Bellevue in an ambulance. There were three bullets in him. And so Christmas that year was spent with Mrs. Santa Clauses. |
 |
The next year the same thing happened; and the next, and the next --- and year after year this patient and elusive maniac would kill any male dressed as Mr. Santa Claus, until finally, in the newspaper, in advertisements, and in people's minds, Santa Claus sort of dropped into the background and Mrs. Santa Claus became the central figure.
I mean Santa Claus was still there. He made the toys up at the North Pole and he was in charge of the elves, but it was Mrs. Santa Claus who rode the sleigh with the reindeer and slid down the chimney and gave away the presents and led the Christmas parade each year.
And the funny part of it was women really seemed to enjoy being Mrs. Santa Claus. No one had to pay them and it got to be such a fad that the streets around Christmas time were jammed with Mrs. Santa Clauses. And as time went by they began making little alterations in the traditional costume, first changing the shade of red, and then experimenting with entirely different colors, so finally each costume was unique and fantastic, beautifully colored, gorgeous.
It became a real honor to lead the Christmas parade.
And the kids loved it!
Christmas had never been like this before, with all these Mrs. Santa Clauses, and all the excitement, and gee!
But these kids, this new generation of children who grew up believing in Mrs. Santa Claus, were sort of different.
Because you see Santa Claus to very young children is --- a god.
And about the time they stop believing in Santa Claus the start going to Sunday school and learning about a new God. And this new God doesn't just give them presents. He's sort of rough.
But all their lives they yearn for their old childhood god, their Santa Claus god.
Like witness their prayers, their saying --- give me what I want.
But this new generation of kids who grew up believing in Mrs. Santa Claus seemed to have a different attitude toward women.
They began electing women to Congress and they elected a women president and women mayors until pretty soon the country was entirely run by women.
They were mainly concerned with things like food, and there was much debate in Congress about various diets, and pretty soon even the poorest people had a lot to eat; and they were interested in houses, and soon, there was no housing shortage.
But there was one thing they wouldn't stand for.
The just weren't going to do it.
I mean what possible political reason could make these women send their guys out to get killed? It was ridiculous!
So with their political power and their financial power and the prestige of the United States they forced and encouraged other countries to let women run things.
So war was ended forever.
Men went on doing just what they'd always done. They worked in factories, and studied higher mathematics, and gambled on horses, and delivered the ice, and argued about philosophy.
But these arguments about philosophy didn't cause people to starve and kill each other.
And pretty soon all over the world, why --- no one was hungry --- everyone had nice houses --- there was no more war --- people began to be happy.
You know when you stop to think about it, a world revolution had taken place.
And gee, 42 Santa Clauses, that's not many people killed for a world revolution.
But the murderer, or really, the saint to whom humanity owed so much, who planned and carried out this almost bloodless revolution, was never caught and crucified.
Just went on living.
No, no one ever discovered the identity of this saint --- that is --- ahh --- except me.
I know who the saint is.
Oh, I have no proof, but you see that's exactly why I'm so sure I know.
Because there is only one person capable of this, there is only one person with the genius, the daring, the imagination, the courage, the love of people, the blood lust, and patience required to carry out this greatest of all deeds.
That person is my little sister.
美
國女權運動在六、七
零年代有一個廣為流傳的故事，這故事有點兒童不宜，因為有謀殺聖誕老人的情節，但其以女性化救世界的主張，卻很有創意。故事是這樣的，聖誕老人是孩子們對
美好世界的想像，一到聖誕節，就有許多人扮成誕老人以增加過節氣氛。但聖誕老人一向是由男人裝扮，世代以來，都是如此，於是孩子們長大，也無形中養成了以
男性觀點來建立世界秩序。競爭、榮耀、勝利、成功等，這些內化的觀念根深地固；但這些價值的另一面，卻是別人的失敗與屈辱，甚至使用壓迫、侵略、戰爭也在
所不惜。
直
到有一年，有一個聖誕老人被殺死在街頭。原本大家也不太在意，可是隔了幾天，又一連好幾個聖誕老人被殺，顯然出現了專殺聖誕老人的連續殺人犯，但警方一點
線索也沒有。這引起極大的恐慌，而且當有人淡忘這件事，重新扮聖誕老人，這個神秘的殺人犯就立刻出現，聖誕老人隨時有生命危險。不久再也沒人敢扮聖誕老人
了。這樣過了幾年沒有聖誕老人的聖誕節，一些媽媽終於受不了了，於是就自己
扮起聖誕老人來，久了人們開始發現，這個神祕殺手從不殺女的聖誕老人。漸漸地，這個由男人扮聖誕老人的傳統竟然改變了！和孩子們歡度聖誕的變成了聖誕老婆
婆。
自
從聖誕老人變成女性後，世界也慢慢發生巧妙的變化，人與人的關係緩和了，暴力、壓迫、戰爭最後也都消失了。後來社會學家研究知道，那是因為聖誕老婆婆讓孩
子們以女性的特質來想像美好的世界，長大後就以母性的方式來追逐成功、改變世界，最後終於達成了世界和平的美夢。比起歷史上億萬人死於戰爭，最後竟然只犧
牲數十個聖誕老公公而達成世界和平，這個代價太小了。故事到此，當然，這 只是一個女性主義者略嫌誇張的故事，但它建議了一個出路，也許女性的內在特質，更能塑造一個和諧的世界。
在男性的世界裡，成功勝敗均以父權的宰制關係來鞏固，在弱肉強食的政界與領導的場域裡更是如此。因此儘管我國的女性政客已經不少，但為了不讓鬚眉，其女性的特質要被刻意壓制。
蔡
英文「非典」的封號不是來自其性別，而是其非男性化的政治手腕。這往往讓她周圍熟悉選舉技巧的策士，急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻，但她卻不出手，自有看法，可是結
果卻也常意想不到的圓滿。而馬總統號稱溫良恭儉讓，但一旦陷入困境，我們仍看到男性不願失去掌控的焦慮。例如和平協議，就是為了要確保宰制兩岸議題的焦慮
下，所表現出來的躁進，就更別提馬宋陣營的衝突，我們彷彿看到兩隻雄狒狒在爭地盤的廝殺。
當
然，建國殺敵的確是十分陽剛，說服人的邏輯也直接了當，但當昔日的大將軍們把他們確信的邏輯搬到競選台上，除了讓人嚇出一身冷汗外，沒有任何意義。民主或
可以一夕解嚴達成，民主文化則否，它需要更多的妥協、容忍、與順其自然的等待，就像媽媽照
顧孩子，等待他們長大，但這些都不太符合我國政客救選情如救火的急驚風個性。
也許，我們真該用選票殺了那些張牙舞爪的雄狒狒們，用女性化的觀點來重塑我國多一點人性的民主文化。陰錯陽差，這次大選我們嗅到了女人味，我們且拭目以待。當然，如果認為女性化就是哭哭啼啼、拖泥帶水，那恐怕又是一個沙豬觀點了。
